Johnny's Girl

cadrandsolaire @ 2004-10-13T23:04:00

2004-10-14T03:06:43Z

weeked

2004-09-19T18:29:31Z

Really fun weekend with kjero. Hopefully Ill sit down and write about it later. I just made my dad cry and when i asked him why he said, because i just miss you. *blank* what does that mean? and where are you now that i'm home?

feeling the normalacy flowing back in

2004-07-21T21:46:01Z

I hate these short passing conversations.
A woman's pitying voice asks the secetary, Maria:
"How's your leg?"
"Oh, it's okay. It's there." Maria's tired laugh.
The woman laughs, "Getting through it"
Not a question and she has already breezed away when Maria sighs a quiet:
"Yeah"
that only I hear.

***
It's odd that Anne was talking about what she believed when she was younger because Laurel and I were having the same conversation that day. Laurel used to believe that she would one day take a bath in her bedroom. I used to pretend my house was a sky scraper hidden in the clouds from the Nazis. I'm trying to think of something I used to believe. That the Bus Stop was a bus stop. lol. That I would look like the red haired Barbie when I turned 16. That women could get pregnant on their own. Heh that was a source of a lot of paranoia.

vomit

2004-07-01T07:27:06Z

I am so sick and tired of doing everything wrong. I am exhausted all the time. And Livejournal is depressing. Bleah.

cadrandsolaire @ 2004-05-13T21:00:00

2004-05-14T01:01:42Z

Ok
I had a wonderful time tonight
and then i read livejournal and talked to eddie
and now im depressed
blessed are all
simple emotions

cadrandsolaire @ 2004-04-27T02:48:00

2004-04-27T06:50:25Z

i keep seeing more and more black hair bands on the windowsill by the shower with torn knots of hair that looks like mine and i wonder if i am sleepshowering?

gaaah

2004-04-21T00:27:09Z

I am so depressed. I dont even know what to do. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I hate myself and this life. Im so alone. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I dont think ive ever been this depressed and it feels like something is eating my heart out.

procrastination --- if you can name the songs you win a prize!!!

2004-04-05T06:00:19Z

. if god is a dj life is a dancefloor love is a river you are the music
I been a girl with her skirt pulled high I see the world as a candy store
Daddy I hated you lover hey fuck you I can see everything like some blue in the sky its all how you use it ive been the girl with her finger in the air I don’t care stick out your tongue find a new lifestyle look for nirvana you whisper to me theres no reason to cry its all how you use it ive got a record in my bag give it a spin if god is a dj uh uh uah uah if god is a dj life is a dancefloor love is a river you are the music
Rhythm
Get what youre given its all how you use it
Hes a movie star
And he drives rented cars
Bottles on the ground
Im gonna be ready when it comes
5 minutes in a closet with you
not entirely his fault
I am not afraid
I can hardly wait
When it comes around
Do you feel what I feel for you
Doo dooo doo
Everybodys watchin
He don’t wanna fuck her
Shes such a sucker
Spin it round again
I seen the world
Been to many places
Haha
Many different faces
Ive had such fun
I fell asleep in Tuscany
The one thing missing
Was you
In my life
Yeah yeah yeah
Remember when cats used to harmonize like
Oooh
Put em up yeah yeah yeah
Girl you know you better watch out
You give it up so easy
You aint even fooling him
Come again
Guys you know you better
Watch out
That thing
That thing
That thing
Doo doo doo
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
A real gangsta ass nigger never runs his fucking mouth
Cause real gangsta ass niggers don’t start fights
All I gotta say to you cock suckin pussy prankstas
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
I wont let you down
I will not give you up
Please don’t give me up
Id really love to stick around
All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true
Theres someone else ive got to be
Take back your singing in the rain
All we have to see
Is that I don’t belong to you
And you don’t belong to me
Freedom
I was starin at the sky
Just lookin for a star
To pray on or wish on or something like that
I thought it was just a bird
But it was just a paper bag
I know im a mess he don’t want to clean up
Hunger hurts but starving works
A little less conversation
A little more action
Satisfy me
Baby close your eyes and listen to the music
Strum
Life is a b movie
The dialogue is lame
Oh yeah
Hell yeah
I got a face like a limp handshake
She made it easy
Made you hurt til you couldn’t see
God knows even angels fall
Nobody seems to see how much how deep how far these things can be
I still don’t even know you
I sometimes want to die
Everywhere I go
Everyone I see
Somehow
Almost set me free
I still that wish that I could hold you
I sometimes wanna die
Don’t worry about nothing
She says
Im not gonna let this one go
You left me with nothing to defend
I need the voice of a good friend
My eyes are dry and…
Youre toxic
The taste of you
Im addicted to you but you know that youre toxic
Cause when im with you
Theres nothing I wouldn’t do
If youre not trying to make something better
Then as far as I can tell you are just in the way
Public affections so exciting
It even makes airports okay
Don’t tell me to move
Just want to sit here for awhile

cadrandsolaire @ 2004-04-02T01:47:00

2004-04-02T06:54:13Z

I sat around with two juniors tonight just talking to them and i felt so young and free from worry and they were both so beautiful and emily talked about her suicide attempt her 52 stitches where she cut herself on the first day of school her fiancee cheating on her and then they discussed the roman empire. she said i was not a little girl though i had little girl moments. he showed us pictures of his ex who is the ra downstairs and they both looked so happy and i groaned in disgust because they are both so sleepy and sad looking now. I wanted to ask emily how she tried to kill herself and then she said she took the sleeping pills to try to sleep forever and it was ironic cause after that she couldnt sleep. she seems different than in december, more fun, less sarcastic. she touched my foot with hers and made my crossed leg bounce while he told us about his dream. she is pretty and i never saw it before. he is handsome and i think she likes him. I want them to end up together
my vagina would wear silk pajamas

cadrandsolaire @ 2004-04-01T20:25:00

2004-04-02T01:25:45Z

*feeling drained and unattractive*

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-03-22T16:25:44Z

I GOT AN A ON MY PAPER IN ENGLISH!!!! YES YES YES YES
FINALLY!

OH AND DID I MENTION THAT I AM IN LOVE? LOL IM SURE EVERYONE WHO READS THIS WILL BE QUITE SHOCKED... BUT YES... AND ITS THE BEST WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE...BEING IN LOVE

the best time of my life

2004-03-02T17:56:52Z

does it start now? is it this moment? is that the answer I'm expected to give? Is it marked by some milestone in my life, career or marriage or falling in love? Or do you mean a time of day? Should I say I wake up every morning cheerful and ready to begin a day full of new opportunities? Or at night when my body and soul feel alive? Or do you mean when I am with someone, do something? The best times of my life have been whirling with excitement, laughter, music, wild hilarity. I can see a solitary moon or the rain falling outside in warm evenings, but they will pass, and the best remains when i was laughing so hard i felt no pain. Or wildly drunk on something.

rejuvenation= gone

2004-03-01T16:23:42Z

I am dead. Dead and dead tired. What am I supposed to do? I'm scared to death and there seems to be nothing to set me free. I want to go to sleep and sleep forever. I cant move.

this weekend

2004-02-29T22:12:58Z

mmmm it was lovely!
lets see i won't tell you all the boring details... but we were watching a movie and kim and i were giggling at the same part and she reached over and tickled me and i shrieked and bear hugged her and it was lovely! Mmmm yay for hugs. I feel a ton closer to kim after this weekend... and it feels a lot better. And the art museum!!! Mmmm. Andre Derain is a sex god. As is Jen ofc. *grin* I literally got lost among the paintings and kjero andkim had to come tell me to hurry up, but I was too absorbed caught up in impressionism fauvism cubism learning and taking in reading the lives of the painters and discovering so much for the first time. I know I sound really corny... but I feel like I've fallen in love. And I kept remembering things that are important to me as I walked through the museum. And later kim made us put bras on our heads and act like mice. And we cried at the movies. and talked about how kim used to cut herself. Lol i kept hitting her in my sleep and talking to her and telling her strange stories. I fell asleep aroused and wishing for someone (hehe i wonder who?) to put their arms around me. It was almost like the weekend healed me. I relished it all. The asian market with fish so fresh they are still alive lol. Kjero saying "Those fish aint for lookin'" coming home to a cupcake from my roomate. Kim pseudo fighting me. Being taller than her whole family! combined! lol jk
anyway... im feeling rejuvenated.

ugh

2004-02-26T18:46:31Z

I feel so utterly drained and confused.

I am a glittering creature
crouching under a rock
bright-eyed and murderous
I will watch for you to fall
And devour you whole.

Make it all go away.

cadrandsolaire @ 2004-01-31T11:53:00

2004-01-31T16:55:53Z

Youre coming!!! I wish I could put all my sappiness in here but I cant!! You'll have to wait and get it all. I'm gonna savor every moment of being with you! GAAA which means hw and room cleaning!!! GAAAA
I love you.

cadrandsolaire @ 2004-01-31T11:41:00

2004-01-31T16:45:30Z

I woke up this morning when kim walked in and thought that I had missed 2 classes before she calmed me down and i realized it is saturday :). I felt lovely and warm and then suddenly sad because of last night, our first really sad night. And I feel guilty for murmuring subconscious things that i wasnt even really worried about, for going through the motions when i was half asleep and saying soap operish things because, in a soap opera, they are what would fill the gap. But not sad! Im so glad! Yet Ive created doubt where there wasnt any before and I dont know how to make it go away. Except to be in love... again and again and again. to fall over and over and over for you. I've done it for 6 months. Why give up a good thing?

cadrandsolaire @ 2004-01-31T02:52:00

2004-01-31T07:54:26Z

Give me your power flowing, juicy glowing red hot meaning of life / It's not enough to have a little taste / I want the whole damn thing

The moon is blue green tonight and I wanted to be better friends with Adrienne. Shes so strange... like a witch. Speaking of witches... ahem bitches i was about to kill Leah today but dont feel like moaning talk about it later
good day
sleepy
jen come soon!!!

Lone

2004-01-28T20:26:27Z

Do you have days you just feel alone? Like everyone else is doing something youre not involved in? Doesnt really matter what it is or even if you want to do it... you just wonder if youre being smart cause you look around... and no one else is doing what youre doing. And you wonder if thats cause its like cartoons and the anvil is headed straight for the spot youre standing and youre just the only one who didnt notice? Somedays you'd just like a little normalacy. But then you have to ask yourself if youd give up the unique things about you or the things that could potentially isolate you just to make yourself fit in, or be comfortable. I sometimes see other versions of me everywhere but today i feel distinctly strange and leperous. Its probably pms.

star crossed (hate to be bitter, but well.... i am)

2004-01-25T21:18:17Z

ANOTHER VICTORY FOR CONSERVATIVES IN THE FIGHT AGAINST HOMOSEXUALITY!!!:

PENISES!!!! They just fit so well! Get yours today.

brrr

2004-01-23T22:23:21Z

wore a cute skirt today and froze my legs off
brrrrrrrrrrrrr
going out soon *excited* but nervous about what i dont know
i had a lot of different reactions to jens entry first touched then annoyed then worried and my earlobes hurt
i guess i feel pretty much the same way but i dont know what i can do to make her longing and sadness go away
i guess just be more supportive and less clingy
i want so bad to feel her next to me again my head on her shoulder and my arms around her so it makes me selfish...
lol i cant believe some of the things we discuss
i tend to forget about jay and i know thats something she cant do
and you shouldnt worry about my mom
esp with everything else you have to worry about
just ignore me if i get too demanding
other than that... i love you so much
and miss you
rawr
and its been 6 days
6666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666
gaaa
thats an 8th of the time ill be here without seeing her or my home
rawr
and as much as i want to transfer to cu i cant live my life like that and i have to give it a good chance here.
I'm having fun meeting new people hanging out going out becoming better friends
Quote for the day:
Life isn't about sleeping.

Going Home

2004-01-18T11:06:45Z

It's so strange, packing for school I start to get excited, even though I've been dreading it. I'm excited to show people my movies, my new clothes, new experiences. I realize how much my life in the past month has become tied up in another person. I hang my rose that is STILL so beautiful! from my window and think of us, I pack the card she gave me, our pictures, clothes we bought together, the journal she bought me is packed so carefully. I find movie stubs from movies we saw together and Love Actually songs are stuck in my head. My ears ache from our piercing adventure! I came with bags full of my stuff, my pride, me, and I'm leaving with pieces of her. I'm leaving. And Kara never called. I miss her. I'm starting to get sad so I better get off, I can't afford any depression. Night.

lo

2004-01-16T08:08:17Z

mrm... yesterday really was one of the loveliest days. Today was alright as well. you know it really doesnt matter how things turn out, well end up where we are sposed to be anyway

hi

2004-01-15T08:09:34Z

i had zAx a lovely day tday! When I woke up I didnt really want to get up and thought I might stay in bed all day, that I would just withdraw from society here because why bother living something youre just going to leave? But sometimes music and shnazziness can bring me out of it and it did and i put on my fab grey (british sp is so much cooler) skirt and new top and fishnets and ankle strap tall shoes and then put on my femmes fatales and paraded down the block... until I realized the bus was coming... the grace and poise vanished as i raced after it tottering on my yes too tall shoes. The bus driver was a bit pissy as i did not have correct change and i think assumed i was some little rich girl paying 2 bucks to ride thee bus and not caring about change..gar. true jen. You are very intelligent. Anyway, continuing MY story. I met my mom blah blah blah jen sucks yes she does anyway i ran into her and alex at cu and then went to class with jen and had loads of fun torturing her which she failed to mention (ahem thanks love) and then hungout with kara which was a bit strange at first but then we made fun of jen and her cell phone and bonded... thank you alex haha jk yees why cant i concentrate??? oh yees becausee jen is being cute... she promiseed to find out why my tummy hurts and make it better so.... anyway we had a really fun night shes so sweet i really mean it and im not joking. she is sweeeeeet. i want to ravish her. sigh jen am i writing this or you? hmm? it was fun we weent to a moviee and took pictures in a photobooth!!! just like in beaches!!! or amelie! anyway i cant describe it adequately but it was great and i wish i had 2 more weeks with her what am i saying i wish i had all the time eveer. so it was great and im smiley and shes great and i feelt lovely and shes lovely and i suck at this i bet i couldnt even write a happy poem
haiku
jennifer rainsey
love actually is all
around you love you
haha that was horriblke ill come back and delete it later
hee hee ook im going now

jenny's as pretty as a penny, as sweet as a wrenny, real cool like lenny (pick a lenny thats cool)

2004-01-13T08:11:24Z

finestrascurita: oh katie...
KPepBldr: *grin*
finestrascurita: you're so...baity?
finestrascurita: better than a cratey
finestrascurita: you never have to waity
finestrascurita: i woont be latey
finestrascurita: cause i love you, katie!
finestrascurita: vooila
KPepBldr: lol
KPepBldr: again:?
finestrascurita: nein
KPepBldr: heehee
KPepBldr: aw
KPepBldr: :-(
KPepBldr: my smiliness just vanished
KPepBldr: :-( :-(
KPepBldr: :-( :-( :-(
KPepBldr: :-( :-( :-( :-(
finestrascurita: oh katie...

you're so...baity?
better than a cratey
you never have to waity i woont be latey
cause i love you, katie!
KPepBldr: the pyramid of gloominess
KPepBldr: :-D
KPepBldr: :-D
KPepBldr: :-D